WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States was launching an unprecedented counterespionage operation against China, sending Secretary of State Marco Rubio to Beijing disguised as an attractive American blonde in an attempt to extract classified information from Chinese President Xi Jinping.
The operation, reportedly devised after Trump grew frustrated with repeated allegations of Chinese intelligence operatives targeting American politicians, involves Rubio donning a long blonde wig, women’s clothing and an expensive fur coat before attempting to gain Xi’s confidence through a series of carefully planned romantic encounters.
“China thinks they’re the only ones who can send attractive women over here to get information out of our people,” Trump told reporters. “Well, two can play that game. We sent Marco over there, and let me tell you, he’s looking tremendous. Very beautiful woman. Xi has no idea.”
According to administration officials, Rubio’s undercover identity is that of a wealthy American socialite with an interest in international relations, luxury handbags and Chinese men in positions of considerable political authority.
Meanwhile, Beijing has reportedly grown increasingly concerned about Xi’s sudden preoccupation with an American woman he has been describing to colleagues as his new girlfriend, with Chinese intelligence officials unable to determine how she obtained access to the president’s private residence.
At press time, Rubio was reportedly preparing to take the operation to the next level after Xi suggested they spend the weekend together at a private resort, prompting Trump to instruct his Secretary of State to do whatever it takes to get his hands on the nuclear launch codes, but to avoid making any promises about marriage.
