BEIJING, CHINA — Minutes after China’s President Xi Jinping announced during a White House meeting with President Donald Trump that two giant pandas will arrive at Zoo Atlanta in the coming days, the Chinese Foreign Ministry issued a preemptive statement assuring the American public that the 4K ultra-definition optical lenses visible inside the bears’ eyes are “purely for ocular wellness and non-tactical observation” and definitely not for spying.
The clarification comes after high-resolution pre-shipment photos of Ping Ping and Fu Shuang released by the Chengdu Research Base revealed a faint, metallic shutter mechanism and blinking red LED light inside their irises and what appeared to be mini optical zoom assemblies.
“Oh, those little spy cameras are nothing that you Americans need to worry about,” said Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Liu Wei. “We want to make perfectly clear that these cameras are not being used to spy on the American people, but to help Chinese scientists better understand what the pandas are seeing.”
When asked why the pandas would need a secure encrypted connection capable of transmitting large amounts of data directly to servers in China, Liu said the animals consume a tremendous amount of bamboo-related information.
The Chinese government also rejected speculation that the pandas had been trained to identify American military aircraft, government buildings and nuclear facilities, saying “They are simply curious animals that enjoy military architecture.”
At press time, Chinese technicians were reportedly making final preparations for the pandas’ journey to Atlanta, including installing additional cameras, microphones, GPS equipment and a small satellite dish on one of the animals, in what officials insisted were for weather purposes.
