SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In response to recent threats from the Islamic Republic of Iran to launch ballistic missiles at the West Coast, California Governor Gavin Newsom held an emergency press conference Thursday reminding Iranian military officials that any missiles entering California airspace must first obtain the proper state permits, environmental approvals, and community impact reviews.
Newsom called on Iranian leadership to submit all required paperwork before any planned ballistic-missile barrage on the Golden State, warning that failure to comply could result in severe regulatory consequences.
“We take airspace safety extremely seriously,” Newsom told reporters, pointing his finger at the camera. “Before launching any missiles into California, Iran must submit Form DRN-472B, complete an environmental impact report, and allow a 90-day public comment period.
“Look, Mr. Ayatollah, you can’t rain hellfire upon our vibrant, diverse communities by simply bypassing the local zoning boards. We have rules here, pal.”
The governor added that Iran should also be aware of California’s strict emissions standards, and the potential disruption that large flying objects and loud explosions may have on coastal bird habitats.
“If Iran files everything correctly, the earliest they could legally begin launching missiles at California is sometime in late 2034,” Newsom added.
At press time, Newsom reminded the Iranian government that even if the attack is entirely permitted, the missiles will still be banned if they contain plastic straws.
