Rioters Struggle To Vandalize Already Ruined Los Angeles
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — A coalition of anti-ICE far-leftists and Mexican nationalists descended upon the city of Los Angeles this weekend with the stated goal of burning the city to…
Don Lemon Thrilled After Being Brutally Raided And Handcuffed By Gang Of Masked White Men
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former CNN anchor Don Lemon was reportedly glowing and extremely excited in the hours following a dramatic pre-dawn FBI raid on his luxurious Manhattan apartment…
Tim Walz Calls For 10-Day Waiting Period For Apple Cider Vinegar Purchases After Omar Incident
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced Thursday that he is exploring a mandatory 10-day waiting period for the purchase of apple cider vinegar within state lines, citing…
Celebrities Declare ‘Democracy Dead’ After Being Forced To Vacuum Own Homes Following Deportations
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Democracy itself was pronounced officially "dead" Thursday after several wealthy Hollywood celebrities reported being forced to perform basic household tasks following the deportation of their longtime,…
Xi Jinping Invites Keir Starmer To China To Show Citizens What A Real Dictator Looks Like
BEIJING, CHINA — In a subtle geopolitical maneuver intended to boost domestic morale, Chinese President Xi Jinping hosted UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer this week, showcasing for the Chinese public…
Ilhan Omar Distracts From Daycare Fraud Scandal With Winery Fraud Scandal
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — In what's being called a Somalian 4D chess move, Rep. Ilhan Omar has reportedly deflected attention from lingering questions about her alleged ties to Minnesota's exploding Somali…
Vindictive Biden Calls ICE On Anchor Baby Kamala
WASHINGTON — In retaliation for scheming to oust him from the 2024 presidential campaign, former President Joe Biden has contacted Immigration and Customs Enforcement to report former Vice President Kamala…
China Appoints Mark Carney Provincial Party Secretary Of Canada
BEIJING, CHINA — In a move described by state media as largely symbolic and already functionally accurate, China officially appointed Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney as Provincial Party Secretary of…
Tim Walz Relieved After Seeing Polymarket Odds Of Pam Bondi Arresting Him Are Basically Zero
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — Minnesota Governor Tim Walz was seen letting out a long, audible sigh of relief this morning after refreshing a Polymarket betting pool titled "Will AG Pam…
Worried Canadians Hold Intervention For Family Member Still Doing ‘Elbows Up’
TORONTO, CANADA — Concerned Canadian relatives gathered quietly in a semi circle around a living room coffee table Saturday morning to stage what they described as a loving, nonjudgmental intervention…
IRS Reminds Paid ICE Protesters Earnings Still Count As Taxable Income
WASHINGTON — The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) issued a gentle but firm reminder this week that any income earned while protesting Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) still qualifies as taxable,…
Heartbreaking News: 54-Year-Old Justin Trudeau Found Alive And Well At Davos
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — In devastating news that has left the Great White North in mourning, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was confirmed Thursday to be alive, healthy, and in…
