TEHRAN, IRAN — Relations between the Islamic Republic and China have reached a critical phase this morning after Iran reportedly left a one-star review on Alibaba after its newly purchased Chinese air defense system failed to intercept incoming U.S. and Israeli strikes.
The Iranian Revolutionary Guard (IRGC), which purchased the system on Chinese e-commerce site Alibaba last year, has officially filed a dispute after realizing their national security was currently being managed by a series of spray-painted PVC pipes run on AA batteries.
“DO NOT BUY!! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!” the review read. “We bought the ‘Pro Max Stealth-Killer Edition’ with the 5-year extended warranty. Last night, when the Americans showed up, the radar dish didn’t spin—it just made a clicking noise and emitted a smell like burnt popcorn. When we hit ‘LAUNCH,’ a pop-up window asked us to ‘Rate our unboxing experience’ before the missiles would prime. Unfortunately did not intercept anything. Would not recommend for active airspace. Seller is a scammer. I want my oil back.”
Within hours, a representative from the Alibaba Group responded with a message stating that they were refusing to give Iran a refund on the air defense system, citing damage caused by unauthorized third-party explosives.
After filing a dispute through Alibaba’s Resolution Center, Alibaba agreed to settle the issue by giving Iran a $15 coupon applicable toward a future purchase of 1,000 or more inflatable decoy tanks.
