Nation’s Elite Pedophiles Send Fired Pam Bondi Tearful ‘Sorry To See You Go’ Card
WASHINGTON—Calling her the best friend the predator class has ever had, the nation’s wealthiest and most connected pedophiles issued a formal "Sorry to See You Go" card to former Attorney…
Artemis II Astronaut Turns To Pillar Of Salt After Looking Back At Earth
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA — In a bizarre incident that has left fellow crew members speechless, an Artemis II astronaut was converted into a pillar of salt just moments after entering…
Eric Swalwell Claims He Couldn’t Have Slept With Fang Fang Because She’s A Woman
WASHINGTON — In a stunning new defense against allegations that he had a years-long sexual relationship with suspected Chinese spy Fang Fang, California Representative Eric Swalwell told FBI investigators Tuesday…
British Man Hit By Bus Apologizes To Bus For Being In The Way
LONDON, UK — Traffic in Central London ground to a halt Tuesday morning, after a 54-year-old British man was struck by a double-decker bus, with the victim refusing to be…
Trump Tells American Children Iran Executed The Easter Bunny
WASHINGTON — In a solemn and deeply moving Easter week address, President Donald Trump revealed to tearful children nationwide that the Islamic Republic of Iran had brutally kidnapped and executed…
Pharisees Hold First-Ever ‘No Kings’ Protest Against Jesus
JERUSALEM — Tensions reached a boiling point in the streets of Jerusalem this week as thousands of radical Pharisees, Sadducees, and scribes descended upon the Temple Mount for the first-ever…
Costco Canada Now Offering Bulk Euthanasia Packages For The Whole Family
OTTAWA, CANADA—In a move to further streamline the most successful healthcare initiative in national history, Costco Canada has announced an exclusive partnership with Health Canada and the federal government to…
Nation Beginning To Suspect Congress Is Not Acting In Their Best Interests
WASHINGTON — Following decades of stagnant wages, crumbling infrastructure, and the rising cost of literally everything, a growing number of Americans are slowly beginning to harbor a sneaking suspicion that…
JD Vance Conducts High-Stakes Iran Talks Through Trump Sock Puppet
TEHRAN, IRAN — In a move officials are calling innovative and cost-effective, President Donald Trump has reportedly dispatched JD Vance to negotiate with Iranian leadership using a sock puppet of…
Biden Volunteers For TSA Duty So He Can Legally Grope Women Again
WASHINGTON — Citing his deep commitment to public service, former President Joe Biden has generously volunteered his time to work as an unpaid TSA agent at major airports crippled by…
Trump Sends Steven Seagal To Singlehandedly Defeat Entire Iranian Military, Assures War Will End Before Credits Roll
WASHINGTON — Expressing frustration with the slow pacing and boring dialogue of the current conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump announced on Sunday that the United States is officially pivoting…
Laid-Off TSA Agent Gets New Job Aggressively Patting Down Customers At Walmart Exit
PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Following recent federal budget cuts that left thousands of transportation security officers out of work, former TSA agent Kyle Higgins has reportedly found a new sense of…
