REHOBOTH BEACH, DELAWARE— Coming to the defense of Congresswoman Ilhan Omar following her widely mocked reference to World War 11, former President Joe Biden reportedly held an impromptu press briefing Tuesday to validate her claims by vividly recounting his own harrowing combat experience in the blood-soaked trenches of World War 9.
Staring blankly at a few reporters, the former president spent the next 45 minutes describing a brutal, entirely fictitious multi-front global conflict where he and a scrappy platoon of Delaware pool lifeguards were forced to hold off a battalion of heavily armed Prussian paratroopers using only rusty bicycle chains and sheer middle-class, Scranton grit.
“Look, folks, give Congresswoman Elon Omar a break,” Biden whispered into the microphone. “She knows her history, and I know it too because I was there, knee-deep in the moon-mud of the Argonne Sector Delta in World War 9. People forget. They forget the sacrifices made during the Great Intergalactic Skirmish of 2044. I was a young corporal—no joke, not hyperbole—in the 3rd Hover-Cavalry. We were pinned down by the Kaiser-Bots outside a Malfunctioning Orange Julius in New Scranton. My son Beau died on the front lines of the Ardennes Forest.”
When asked specifically about the World War 11 conflict that Ilhan Omar had referenced in her press conference, Biden confirmed that Eleven was a bloodbath even though he had to sit that one out due to him getting arrested in Johannesburg with Nelson Mandela while trying to negotiate a ceasefire for World War 10.
At press time, Biden’s aides were finally able to usher him away from the microphone after informing him that it was time to go draft the peace treaty for World War 14.
