WASHINGTON — Following the chaotic arrest of shooter Cole Allen, prominent Democratic leaders held a press conference Monday to officially condemn the white half of the would-be assassin, the 31-year-old mixed-race man accused of attempting to assassinate President Donald Trump at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
Democrats went on to praise the black half of Cole Allen as a brave survivor of internal systemic oppression, immediately disavowing his white half and calling for a standalone life sentence.
“Violence has no place in our democracy, and we must be clear about where it came from,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “It’s clear that Cole Allen’s black half was merely a passenger in a body hijacked by 50% of the most aggressive, sourdough-starting, unseasoned-chicken-eating Caucasian DNA imaginable. We are calling on the DOJ to prosecute only the European-descended mitochondria involved in this heinous act.”
The DNC released a formal statement echoing these sentiments, clarifying that while the suspect’s black heritage is inherently peaceful and probably just wanted to stay home and study to be a rocket scientist, his white heritage clearly suffered from a sudden, acute case of “intergenerational Manifest Destiny.”
As of press time, Democratic leaders were reportedly working on legislation that would require all biracial Americans to register their white halves with the ATF.
