WASHINGTON– The unbiased Department of Justice (DOJ) has arrested the fire alarm from the Cannon House Building for attempting to commit a dangerous insurrection on Saturday, also charging the alarm with a racist hate crime for trying to pin the crime on innocent black Democrat Congressman Jamaal Bowman.
Attorney General Merrick Garland gave an urgent press conference after brave agents made the arrest and reiterated that the DOJ is a trustworthy law enforcement agency that takes all attempts at overthrowing the legitimate Biden administration seriously.
“I want to thank our brave federal agents for quickly arresting this dangerous insurrectionist,” said Attorney General Garland with a straight face. “The fire alarm is being charged with insurrection, sedition, trespassing, obstruction, arson, rape, and also with a hate crime for posting a doctored photo of black Congressman Jamaal Bowman committing the crime.”
According to the official DOJ report, the fire alarm was also present during the January 6 Capitol Riot and was working on behalf of President Donald Trump to change the outcome of the 2024 presidential election.
When asked his opinion on the fire alarm’s future outcome in court, Garland said the alarm is guilty in the court of public opinion and a Democrat Obama judge has already been picked to put the alarm in prison for a minimum of 69 years.
President Joe Biden has invited Rep. Jamaal Bowman to the White House to honor the congressman with a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
