Brave UK Police Tackle Dangerous Stabbing Victim In Daring Arrest
LONDON, UK-- The Metropolitan Police Service has been showered with praise for their courageous arrest of a 32-year-old British man who was viciously stabbed by a Somali migrant in a…
Canadian Government Announces Toronto Blue Jays To Be Euthanized After World Series Loss
OTTAWA, CANADA - Fresh from their crushing defeat in the 2025 World Series to the LA Dodgers, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will be euthanized…
With Government Shutdown, Furloughed Scientists Forced To Conduct Lab Experiments On Family Members
WASHINGTON-- As the government shutdown stretches into its fifth week, reports are emerging of furloughed research scientists descending into madness, their withdrawal symptoms so severe that they’re now experimenting on…
Congress Clarifies Zombie Caught Feasting On Staffer’s Brain Was Just Senator Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON-- In a move to quell widespread panic after a video surfaced of a reanimated corpse feasting on a congressional staffer's brain in the Senate chamber, the U.S. Congress issued…
Dejected Mark Carney Got This Slick Haircut And Cool New Suit For Summit And Trump Didn’t Even Notice
GYEONGJU, SOUTH KOREA - In a heart-wrenching display of global embarrassment, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was left on the verge of tears in his hotel room after President Donald…
Keir Starmer Declares Immigrant Knife Crime Epidemic Solved After UK Police Cease Counting Attacks
LONDON, UK-- In a historic press conference, Prime Minister Keir Starmer beamed with pride as he announced the "miraculous" decline in immigrant knife crime across the United Kingdom, citing a…
Trump Gains Mutant Powers After Drinking Japanese Tap Water
TOKYO, JAPAN-- During a diplomatic visit to Japan, President Donald Trump's body began emitting a bright green glow after he drank from a sink faucet during a state visit to…
Gavin Newsom Recounts Growing Up As A Poor Black Child In Compton Eating Wonder Bread And Grape Soda
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA-- In an effort to connect with black voters, California Governor Gavin Newsom appeared on the popular hip-hop podcast All the Smoke this week and told the world a…
Citizens Beg Trump To Drop Tariffs On Canada After Doug Ford Streaks Through World Series In Retaliation
CANADA / US-- In a major escalation in the ongoing U.S.-Canada tariff war, a joint petition already signed by over 2 million Canadian and American citizens has been delivered to…
FBI Executes Daring 5AM Raid On James Comey’s Refrigerator, Seizes Leftover Pizza And Sandwiches
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA-- In a brave pre-dawn operation, the FBI carried out a daring 5AM raid on former FBI Director James Comey’s refrigerator today, marking the agency’s most aggressive action against…
Mark Carney Reassures Canadians Housing Crisis Won’t Affect Him Personally
OTTAWA, CANADA-- Amid a spiraling national housing crisis, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney reassured struggling citizens that the country's crippling housing crisis "won't affect him personally." Speaking from the marble…
Republican States Unveil ‘Beware Of California Drivers’ Caution Signs
U.S.-- In an effort to protect their citizens from the Golden State's reckless policies, Republican governors across the country have installed highway warning signs alerting drivers to the dangers of…
