WASHINGTON– The White House confirmed that President Donald Trump authorized targeted airstrikes on Nigeria after finally reaching his psychological limit following years of incessant Nigerian scam emails promising untold riches, delayed inheritances, and suspiciously urgent lottery winnings.
Administration officials said the breaking point came early Christmas day when the president opened an email addressed to “Dear Respected Benefactor” from someone named “Prince Okeke,” informing him he was the sole heir to a deposed oil minister’s fortune and needed only to provide his Social Security number, bank routing information, and one small processing fee.
“I tried everything,” said Trump hours after the strikes. “I unsubscribed. I blocked. I marked them as spam. They kept saying I won a lottery I never entered, or that I have $10 million locked in a Nigerian bank. The emails kept coming. So the only logical solution was to bomb the hell out of Nigeria.”
Trump stressed that the airstrikes were narrowly focused on eliminating only the criminal areas of Nigeria, which consisted of approximately 99% of the African country.
Critics immediately condemned the strikes as racist and disproportionate, arguing the president could have resolved the situation by simply not checking his email. Trump brushed off the controversy by declaring the operation a success, announcing that he plans on stopping all of those Microsoft email scams he’s also receiving by nuking India.
