Kash Patel Hires Experienced FBI Phone Scammers As Real Agents
WASHINGTON-- In a historic move to "diversify" the Bureau's skillset, FBI Director Kash Patel announced the hiring of 10,000 Indian nationals who previously worked as call center scammers impersonating FBI…
Ex-Con Believes His Extensive Criminal History Will Make Him An Excellent Addition To Congress
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- Only days after Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress, local resident and former convict, Jimmy "Sticky Fingers" Jenkins, has announced his candidacy for the U.S. Congress.…
Nancy Pelosi Announces Retirement From Criminal Career
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- From inside of a local bar near her home, 85-year-old California Democrat Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from politics on Tuesday, marking the end of a 38-year…
Canada Rolls Out ‘Immigrant Poop Stations’ Nationwide To Combat Outdoor Defecation Epidemic
OTTAWA, CANADA - In an effort to tackle the country's escalating public defecation crisis, the Canadian government has installed thousands of "Immigrant Waste Stations" across major cities, aiming to encourage…
New Muslim Mayor Zohran Mamdani Invites Gay Supporters To Rooftop Celebration
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- To show his appreciation for helping him get elected, newly elected Islamic NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani has extended a "heartfelt" invitation to his LGBTQ+ supporters…
Republicans Jubilant Over Democrat Sweep, Vow To Use Same Strategy To Lose Midterms
WASHINGTON-- Jubilant Republicans filled the halls of Congress this morning, popping sparkling champagne and shouting “Mission Accomplished!” after Democrats trounced them in yesterday's elections across New Jersey, Virginia, New York,…
Andrew Cuomo Vows To Personally Grope Every Woman In NYC Within First 100 Days As Mayor
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- In a last ditch effort to win the election, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo made a stunning campaign promise by pledging to personally grope…
U-Haul Sees Record Profits As Democrat Voters Flee Problems They Intend To Recreate Elsewhere
U.S.-- American rental company U-Haul announced record profits this quarter, citing an unprecedented surge in one-way rentals from Democrat-controlled states to their Republican counterparts, with industry insiders attributing the boom…
Obama Teaches Zohran Mamdani How To Drone Strike Innocent Civilians
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-- While on the campaign trail stumping for his fellow Democrat, former President Barack Obama has taken New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani under his wing,…
Brave UK Police Tackle Dangerous Stabbing Victim In Daring Arrest
LONDON, UK-- The Metropolitan Police Service has been showered with praise for their courageous arrest of a 32-year-old British man who was viciously stabbed by a Somali migrant in a…
Canadian Government Announces Toronto Blue Jays To Be Euthanized After World Series Loss
OTTAWA, CANADA - Fresh from their crushing defeat in the 2025 World Series to the LA Dodgers, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will be euthanized…
With Government Shutdown, Furloughed Scientists Forced To Conduct Lab Experiments On Family Members
WASHINGTON-- As the government shutdown stretches into its fifth week, reports are emerging of furloughed research scientists descending into madness, their withdrawal symptoms so severe that they’re now experimenting on…
