DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — In devastating news that has left the Great White North in mourning, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was confirmed Thursday to be alive, healthy, and in high spirits at the World Economic Forum.
The announcement came after several Canadians briefly experienced what experts are calling unfamiliar optimism, only to have it extinguished by reports that Trudeau was spotted smiling confidently while walking with pop star Kerry Perry after arriving in Davos.
“It is with a heavy heart that we must report Justin Trudeau is absolutely fine,” said a visibly shaken news anchor on CBC, pausing to wipe away a tear of sheer frustration. “We ask that you respect the privacy of all Canadians during this difficult time as they process the reality that he is still out there, somewhere, breathing the same air as us.”
Across Canada, the reaction was immediate and somber. Flags on homes were lowered to half-mast, and spontaneous vigils broke out in Alberta, where citizens gathered for candlelight vigils to mourn the very much alive former prime minister.
Canadian Conservative Pierre Poilievre released a short statement confirming the upsetting news and asking citizens to respect everyone’s disappointment during this difficult time. Mental health hotlines across the country reported a surge in callers asking, “Are we absolutely sure he’s still here?”
