BEIJING, CHINA — In a move described by state media as largely symbolic and already functionally accurate, China officially appointed Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney as Provincial Party Secretary of Canada, confirming Canada’s quiet upgrade to China’s 24th province.
Chinese Communist Party President Xi Jinping made the announcement during a brief ceremony in Beijing, thanking Carney for his years of enthusiastic cooperation, tariff flexibility, and advanced bowing technique.
“Comrade Carney has shown exceptional leadership in helping Canada transition from sovereign nation to value aligned trade zone,” Xi said. “He understands that true independence means doing exactly what Beijing asks, but politely.”
Carney, who has faced mounting criticism at home for his cozy relationship with Beijing, was all smiles as he accepted the role, calling it a great deal for both Canada and China.
“This new deal is a win-win for both nations,” said Provincial Party Secretary Carney in front of a large poster of CCP General Secretary Xi. “Well technically, it’s mostly a win for China, but Canada will also benefit from being owned by China. Okay, this doesn’t benefit Canada at all, but I did get this cool new Communist Party title.”
Xi Jinping praised Carney as a true friend of the Chinese people and promised that Canada would enjoy the same economic benefits as the Uyghur people under his leadership.
Chinese officials praised the deal as very generous, noting that Canada also received warm handshakes, positive headlines, and the emotional satisfaction of irritating the United States.
