NUUK, GREENLAND. In what British officials described as a clear demonstration of deterrence against U.S. aggression, the United Kingdom’s entire military contribution to Greenland was revealed to consist of a single soldier later identified as Mr. Bean.
The discovery came after local Greenlanders noticed the lone bumbling British soldier had spent six hours saluting a snowmobile, apologized to an iceberg for bumping into it, and fired his rifle only after attempting to warm his hands over the barrel.
“Britain takes the defense of Greenland extremely seriously,” said Prime Minister Keir Starmer, trying to appear honest. “He represents the full spectrum of British power projection of confusion, politeness, and quiet hope that America doesn’t notice. It’s psychological warfare at its finest. Or maybe just warfare at its most British.”
When asked what he would do if confronted by US forces, Mr. Bean reportedly checked his pockets, produced a rubber chicken, nodded confidently, and fell into a snowbank.
At press time, Mr. Bean had reportedly declared Greenland secure after scaring himself with his own reflection in an ice wall and accidentally surrendering to a mailbox.
