Schrödinger’s Files: Pam Bondi Says Epstein Files Both Exist And Don’t Exist At The Same Time
WASHINGTON-- In a press conference that left reporters, physicists, and conspiracy theorists equally baffled, Attorney General Pam Bondi declared yesterday that the long-rumored Jeffrey Epstein files are simultaneously sitting on her…
FBI Asks Everyone To Stare At Bright Memory-Eraser Stick Before Claiming Jeffrey Epstein Never Existed
WASHINGTON-- In response to the millions of angry Americans still calling for the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, the Department of Justice (DOJ) and Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)…
Democrats Struggle Deciding Whether To Blame Texas Flood On Trump, Russia, Elon, Racism, Climate Change, ICE, Or White Supremacy
WASHINGTON-- Only hours after violent floods ripped through parts of Texas, Democrats cited concerns of indecisiveness as they struggled to figure out if they wanted to blame the flooding on…
Keir Starmer Starting To Suspect He Might Be A Terrible Prime Minister
UNITED KINGDOM-- With the United Kingdom being destroyed from within through horrible policies and mass immigration, Labour Party Leader Keir Starmer watched as his approval rating continued to drop further…
Democrat’s Hand Catches Fire After Accidentally Touching Constitution
WASHINGTON-- During a lengthy filibuster speech condemning the United States on Independence Day, Democrat House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries' hand suddenly burst into flames after mistakenly grabbing a copy of…
Trump Announces Historic ‘Nancy Pelosi Vs. 100 Vodka Bottles Cage Match’ At White House For America’s Birthday
WASHINGTON-- In celebration of next year's 250th anniversary of the United States, President Donald Trump announced a slew of entertaining events, including a historic UFC-style cage match between Nancy Pelosi…
Elon Musk Apologizes To Trump After Eating A Snickers Bar: ‘I Wasn’t Myself’
U.S.-- Following yet another angry public tirade against Donald Trump, Elon Musk later posted an apology on his official X account, saying he wasn't himself and had a moment of…
Lindsey Graham Disappointed After Finding Out ‘Big, Beautiful Bill’ Wasn’t Actually A Big, Beautiful Man Named ‘Bill’
WASHINGTON-- As though his whole world came crashing down around him, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham expressed extreme disappointment and sadness once he found out that the "Big Beautiful Bill"…
Furious Republicans Demand To Know Why They Just Voted To Keep Free Healthcare For Illegal Aliens
WASHINGTON-- Only minutes after voting to keep giving illegal aliens free healthcare, Republicans in Congress gave an angry press conference where they blasted the ridiculous bill allowing Medicaid to keep…
Mark Carney Pretends To Care About Canada For One Day After Losing A Bet
OTTAWA, CANADA-- In a move that left millions of Canadians scratching their heads, Prime Minister Mark Carney has been spotted awkwardly waving a maple leaf flag and mumbling the lyrics…
German Authorities Condemn Terrorist Car Attack For Not Using Horn Before Ramming Crowd
BERLIN, GERMANY-- Immediately following yet another vicious car attack, German authorities were quick to put out a statement regarding the incident by condemning the violent terrorist attacker for having the…
Obama Teaches Zohran Mamdani How To Forge A Birth Certificate For When He Runs For President
WASHINGTON-- With New York City Mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani's popularity continuing to increase, former President Barack Obama took the Ugandan-born Muslim under his wing and taught him the best way…
