SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – In a tale of espionage wrapped in a love story, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) revealed yesterday that he handed over top-secret government documents to Chinese spy Fang Fang because he was “100% sure” she loved him for who he is-a middle-aged married man with a receding hairline, gastrointestinal issues, and a career built on Twitter tantrums.
According to sources, Eric Swalwell would meet Fang Fang in his congressional office late at night, whispering classified intel about U.S. missile defense systems while she whispered sweet nothings in his ear. “She called me ‘my American dragon,'” Swalwell sobbed during a press conference. “I thought that meant she saw my inner fire, not just my security clearance.”
When asked why he risked national security for a woman who was literally on the payroll of the CCP, Swalwell shrugged. “She sent me dick pics of other men with the Chinese flag emoji. I took that as a sign of commitment.”
Fang Fang, whose code name was “Christine,” reportedly told Swalwell she wanted to “build a life together in Beijing,” which he interpreted as a marriage proposal. Instead, she was compiling a dossier on his gullibility for the MSS.
Swalwell’s colleagues are stunned. “I mean, we knew he was dumb,” said one staffer. “But this? This is ‘I-traded-my-car-for-a-VHS-player-in-2023’ dumb.”
President Donald Trump’s FBI has reopened the case and is investigating Swalwell for treason, but he remains optimistic. “I’m sure she’ll come crawling back once she realizes I’m the only man in D.C. who still uses Myspace. I’m still optimistic that one day Fang Fang will be Mrs. Swalwell.”
As the controversy swirls, Swalwell remains defiant, reportedly keeping a framed photo of Fang Fang on his desk next to a dog-eared copy of Dating For Dummies.
