RFK Jr. Leaves T-Bone Steak And Raw Milk Out For Santa
WASHINGTON-- In a heartwarming yet unorthodox display of holiday cheer, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) was spotted leaving a succulent T-Bone steak and a…
Trump Boosts Self-Deportation Incentive By Offering Illegal Aliens Signed ‘The Apprentice’ Photo
WASHINGTON-- In an effort to expedite immigration enforcement and cut federal spending, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it is scrapping the proposed $3,000 cash incentive for voluntary…
Immigrants In Canada Demand Warmer Sidewalks For Outdoor Pooping
TORONTO, CANADA-- A group representing Canada’s Indian immigrant community has filed a formal grievance with the federal government, claiming that the nation’s sidewalks are "dangerously chilly" and "unacceptably firm" for…
DOJ Arrests Mysterious Black Rectangle From Epstein Files, Pam Bondi Declares Case Closed
WASHINGTON-- In a stunning breakthrough that Attorney General Pam Bondi is calling "the greatest triumph in the history of American justice," the DOJ announced Tuesday that it has formally arrested…
Gavin Newsom Thanks Californians For Sacrificing Electricity So He Can Power His Mansions
SAN FRANCISCO, CA-- Standing inside of the kitchen of his brightly illuminated estate, Governor Gavin Newsom issued a heartfelt "thank you" to the 130,000 San Francisco residents currently sitting in…
CNN Viewer Switches To North Korean State TV For More Balanced Coverage
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND-- A longtime CNN viewer announced that she has stopped watching the network entirely and now relies exclusively on North Korean state television, saying it provides a healthier…
Chuck Schumer Hisses And Recoils In Agony After Staffer Wishes Him ‘Merry Christmas’
WASHINGTON-- Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly emitted a low, animalistic hiss and staggered backward in apparent physical pain after an aide casually wished him “Merry Christmas,” witnesses confirmed. According…
Trump Calls Santa Claus’ Naughty List A Democrat Hoax
WASHINGTON-- In a combative press briefing on Wednesday, President Donald Trump fiercely defended his refusal to pressure the North Pole to declassify Santa Claus’s legendary "Naughty List," dismissing the existence…
Pfizer Says Vaccines Would Be More Effective If People Stopped Having Side Effects
NEW YORK-- Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday clarifying that its COVID vaccines would be “extremely effective, universally praised, and statistically flawless” if recipients would simply stop experiencing debilitating…
BBC Defends Fabricated January 6 Trump Coverage By Explaining That They Lie All The Time
LONDON, UK-- Responding to President Donald Trump’s recent lawsuit alleging defamation and fabricated quotations in its January 6 coverage, the BBC released a statement clarifying that while some words attributed…
Kash Patel Concludes FBI Would Function Perfectly If Agents Stopped Following His Orders
WASHINGTON-- FBI Director Kash Patel announced Tuesday that the bureau’s recent struggles could be immediately resolved if agents would simply stop following his orders, calling obedience an outdated practice that…
UK Government Reassures Nation Everything Failing Exactly As Planned
LONDON, UK-- The UK government has moved to calm growing public concern by confirming that the catastrophic decline of the United Kingdom is not an accident, not mismanagement, and not…
