TEHRAN, IRAN — In a shocking act of ideological consistency, Iran’s new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, reportedly carried out a swift, one-man execution of himself early Wednesday morning after learning from a leaked intelligence report that he was a homosexual.
According to palace sources, the Supreme Leader was engaging in his routine morning activity of watching RuPaul’s Drag Race when he saw a headline detailing his own alleged secret gay lifestyle, immediately placing himself under citizen’s arrest and then grabbing his own collar to choke himself.
“You’re under arrest, you disgusting gay pervert,” the Ayatollah screamed while punching himself in the face. “Prepare to face the severest of punishments under Islamic law for being a deviant swashbuckling, showtune-loving homosexual.”
After interrogating himself in front of a mirror, he then dragged himself by the beard up to the rooftop of the palace where he proceeded to yell “Death to the homosexual sodomite!” while pushing himself down onto the ground below.
At press time, the Iranian Morality Police had arrested the sidewalk that Ayatollah Khamenei had fallen on for touching another man inappropriately.
