OTTAWA, CANADA—In a move to further streamline the most successful healthcare initiative in national history, Costco Canada has announced an exclusive partnership with Health Canada and the federal government to offer Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) in convenient, family-sized bulk packaging.
The product, titled “MAID-To-Go,” hit shelves this week, and has been strategically placed between poutine and maple syrup in an effort to attract mostly White Canadians. The move comes as Health Canada reports that MAID now accounts for over 5% of all national deaths, a statistic the Canadian government claimed needed to be increased to make room for the millions of Indian immigrants being imported over the next five years.
“We realized that the traditional medical system was just too slow for the modern, fast-paced Canadian family,” said a Health Canada representative. “By bringing MAID to the supermarket, we’re making it as easy to leave the world as it is to leave with a 12-pack of tube socks. It’s about dignity, convenience, and—most importantly—clearing up the housing market for the next generation of foreign immigrants.”
To celebrate the launch, store locations are offering a limited-time “Buy 3, Get Grandma’s Free” for families who commit to the full household transition to the afterlife.
At press time, the Prime Minister’s Office dismissed critics of the program, stating that “giving up is a core Canadian value” and that the program is merely an extension of the country’s world-renowned politeness.
