JERUSALEM — Tensions reached a boiling point in the streets of Jerusalem this week as thousands of radical Pharisees, Sadducees, and scribes descended upon the Temple Mount for the first-ever “No Kings” protest. The massive demonstration was organized in direct response to the rising popularity of Jesus of Nazareth, whom protesters claim is plotting to establish a tyrannical monarchy under the title “King of Kings.”
Wearing oversized phylacteries and carrying large olive-wood protest signs reading “Not My Messiah,” “Christ Is Not My King,” and “Resist The Carpenter,” the protesters spent the afternoon dramatically marching through the streets of Jerusalem chanting, “Hey hey, ho ho, this ‘King of Kings’ has got to go.”
“This man is a direct threat to our Sanhedrin,” said leading Pharisee Caiaphas, emphasizing that the protest was not against all kings, just unauthorized, grassroots, crowd-sourced kings who didn’t go through the proper channels. “He thinks he has total immunity. Just last week, he healed a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath. No permits. No regulatory oversight. He’s completely bypassing our established democratic-theocratic norms. He is literally Herod!”
CNN Judea reported that the protest against Jesus was largely peaceful, other than some fiery moments and a few camels being vandalized.
At publishing time, the Pharisaic resistance movement was reportedly setting up a GoFundMe to purchase thirty pieces of silver for an “unnamed whistleblower” within Jesus’s inner circle.
