WASHINGTON — In a solemn and deeply moving Easter week address, President Donald Trump revealed to tearful children nationwide that the Islamic Republic of Iran had brutally kidnapped and executed the beloved Easter Bunny in a savage act of terrorism.
The president vowed to “bomb those bunny killers back to the Stone Age” in retaliation, assuring distraught youngsters that this new phase of the Iran War is “all for you guys.”
“Children of America, many people are saying this is the saddest day in history,” Trump began, as he shared an image of the captured Easter Bunny courtesy of the CIA. “Terrible situation. Really horrible. Nobody loved the Easter Bunny more than me. Iran took him. They didn’t like what he stood for—freedom, chocolate, tremendous eggs—and now he’s gone. And we’re not going to let that stand, folks. We’re doing this for you, the children.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio followed up Trump’s comments, informing the millions of children in America that Iran had stolen all of the Easter Bunny’s eggs and candy and that the United States will be putting boots on the ground to bring those Easter treats back where they belong.
At press time, several analysts noted that the Pentagon’s proposed “Easter egg recovery zones” appeared to overlap almost perfectly with major oil fields in Iran.
