NORTH POLE– In an effort to both end systemic, racist climate change and help Ukraine defeat Russia, a more progressive Santa Claus has announced on his official Twitter account that he will be donating all this year’s billions of children’s Christmas gifts to the much more needy President Zelensky.
Father Christmas recently added a few more Ukraine flag emojis to his social media profile to let the world know just how much he loves and supports Zelensky, going from four Ukraine flags to six and also adding another sunflower and vaccine syringe.
“I decided to give all this year’s presents to Ukraine after hearing Zelensky’s extremely honest, impassioned plea in front of Congress,” wrote Santa on Twitter, much to the dismay of billons of children. “I was already planning on not giving any gifts this year to all those homophobic unvaccinated children when suddenly the Ukraine situation became the latest current thing that I wanted everyone to know I supported.”
Santa Claus has taken a more progressive stance over the last few years, starting in 2020 when he told the world that he had divorced Mrs. Claus and had moved in with his longtime male elf companion Rodrigo.
Millions of children began crying after hearing the news that they weren’t getting any gifts this year, with Santa calling the kids selfish for putting their greedy needs first when Zelensky was in dire need of a new multimillion dollar mansion.
“Children getting gifts on Christmas is rooted in transphobic white supremacy,” said Santa while getting his ninth booster. “The only way we can curb the rise in COVID cases is to get more money and supplies into Ukraine.”
When reached for comment, Zelensky said the gifts were a nice gesture but more was needed if Ukraine was to be able to keep fighting their courageous battle against Putin, and has therefore demanded that parents send him their children’s college funds, and also whatever change the kids have in their piggy banks.
