WASHINGTON– In an ongoing effort to avoid discrimination by either including or excluding everyone, the United States Postal Service has renamed mailboxes across the country to gender-neutral boxes after numerous gender rights groups protested the use of the word mail to describe the boxes where mail is dropped off.
According to a statement put out by newly formed USPS, use of the word mail has become antiquated and to keep up with the modernization of society, an alteration had to be made to gender-specific names in an effort to promote equality among the sexes.
“If you can’t include everyone then we shouldn’t include anyone,” said USPS spokesman Newman. “The elimination of such words as mail will promote the equality that has been absent from inanimate objects such as gender-neutral boxes formally known as mailboxes.”
Numerous gender rights groups flooded the front steps of Washington’s USPS headquarters holding up anti-mailbox signs and snipping off fake paper testicles that were glued to the bottoms of mailboxes to show their disapproval of the archaic name.
“The world has spoken,” boasted 49 year old unmarried Bertha Swanson to reporters with a pair of scissors in one hand and paper testicles in the other. “No longer will other genders be left out while hyper-testosterone mails get all the rights. Eventually we’re gonna have all gender-specific names removed from books, buildings, cars, animals, you name it. This small victory will be the impetus for future equality.”
The word mail comes from the English word for male, which first appeared in the 17th century after a group of men decided that women were too inferior to be used as the title for the world-famous box.
Starting immediately, the new gender-neutral boxes will also be known as gender-fluid boxes.
“Today the mail had his package removed,” Swanson said with glee as she crushed the paper scrotum within her large, hairy fist.
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