NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY– How would you like to get the perfect beach body without having to lift one weight or run one second on a treadmill? Scientists at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School have made international headlines this week after discovering a solution to make this a reality.
The groundbreaking achievement was discovered by accident after government funded scientists were searching for the best way to control citizens through mind control.
Head scientist Dr. Johns Hopkins, who made national headlines in 2016 after discovering that too much exercise can make people healthy, stated that his research team is already in the running for this year’s Nobel Prize in science, easily beating out some unknown doctor who came up with a meager cure for cancer.
“I hate to brag,” Dr. Hopkins said to Science Daily reporters as he adjusted his mirrored sunglasses, “but this’s the greatest discovery since the peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich. Our top notch scientists utilized NASA technology to harness the ability to control the occipital area of people’s brains that controls how they see themselves.”
Dr. Hopkins went on to say that once a patient is strapped down and hooked into a remodeled space probe called H.U.S.K.Y., two holes are drilled into each side of the person’s temples where electrodes are connected to wires that are used to feed impulses into the brain via a series of visions and feelings that are basically implanted into the person’s mind.
The scientist guarantees that going through all this torture is easier than the overweight person actually doing the work themselves.
“It’s not just the visual representation of a hardbody,” Dr. Hopkins added, showing reporters how the H.U.S.K.Y. space probe machine can double as a cappuccino maker.
“People actually feel like they’ve had a tough workout at the gym. This thing feels so real that patients have stated that they even felt things such as muscle soreness, fatigue, and aggression after mentally believing that they injected anabolic steroids into their buttocks.”
News media outlets around the world are saying that this new discovery may in fact make obesity a thing of the past. Scientists are ecstatic saying that as long as overweight or flabby people think that they are in better shape then that’s all that matters.
Dr. Hopkins added that this new discovery also gives promise that one day this invention will also help unattractive people become beautiful, short people become tall, or useless government funded scientists become useful.
“The possibilities are endless.”
