SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– A local man was arrested Monday after a store owner called the police when the honest shopper refused to steal any items, and is now facing a maximum penalty of twenty years behind bars for his well-behaved actions.
Stunned witnesses told authorities that the strait-laced man was inside a local supermarket and didn’t steal any items, but rather took the product up to the cashier and paid for everything.
“I was shocked and appalled at that goody-goody man paying for his stuff,” said one witness who required medical attention after suffering a mild heart attack. “Not only did that lunatic man pay for all his stuff, but when the cashier handed him back his change he put it in one of those donation jars for needy children. Sickening.”
The governor of California Gavin Newsom weighed in on the controversy and told news reporters that the honest shopper deserves the death penalty.
“Never in all my years of politics have I seen something so disgusting,” said Newsom in reference to the incident. “What kind of world do we live in where customers come into a store and actually pay for their items instead of stealing them and then trashing the place on their way out after stabbing a few employees.”
Newsom says, in light of the horrific crime, he will be signing an executive order making it illegal to pay for store items within the state of California.
Newsom added, “I’ve already spoken to the confused store owner and reassured him that no one will ever pay for anything in his establishment again. To make up for his loss, I’ve sent a mob of criminals into his business to ransack his store and then set the building on fire.”
