KABUL, AFGHANISTAN– Few sights represent terrorism and strike fear in people more than the long-bearded extremist. Trying to wean the world off of pogonophobia, the extreme dislike of beards, the world Olympic committee recently created a new sport for the off-off season of the world Olympics: beard growing.
This year’s winner, 71 year old Abdul Sabir Sharif of Kabul, beat out a lot of stiff competition, with bearded men from all around a five mile radius traveling in by camel to win the illustrious title.
“I was very nervous watching the other men’s beards growing,” Sharif said by way of translator to Koss Chatal News. “After about the 344th day of sitting on my stool without moving and with my eyes glued to the other men’s beards, I started to get a bit more comfortable knowing that my beard was growing at a much quicker rate. My wife says it’s from all the chutney I use as my beard oil.”
Sharif states that he has been training his entire life in the hopes that one day a beard growing contest would come into fruition, making this the culmination of his life’s existence.
“When I was only a 10 years old boy,” he said, showing reporters a photo from his bearded youth, “my mother used to coat my beard in chutney and then wrap it in naan, frying it in a pan until my beard became very soft. I believe it was for this reason why I grew to hate my mother.”
It only took Sharif 372 days to beat out the other bearded men. Most of the other men dropped out of the lengthy contest due to heat exhaustion, hunger, parking fees on their camels, or getting back to their jobs as door to door salesmen.
“I’m an old man,” he added as he placed his long beard within two pieces of naan, “but this new Olympic event has given me much hope for living a longer life. Seeing how easily I beat out the other competitors, my 19 year old wife says that she will compete in next year’s tournament. If these other men think that my beard growing skills are strong, just wait till they see what my wife can do.”
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