Scientists Use Stem Cells To Grow Penises On Trees

TOKYO, JAPAN– For the first time ever, scientists in Japan have used stem cells to grow adult-sized penises on the bark of trees.

Making history around the world, the Japanese scientists from the University of Chinko say that these penises can now be grown to repair penises disfigured in accidents, sexual mishaps, and from scorned lovers. These tree-grown penises can also help men who were born with deformed penises or without penises and can even help women who may decide to become men.

In the United States alone, 3 out of 69,000 children are born with disfigured, misshapen or missing penises, depending on whether the mother-to-be was a crack addict or a prostitute.

“This will revolutionize the medical establishment,” said 38 year old Dr. Atsushi Natsuko, head researcher at the University who was also born with a deformed penis. “This groundbreaking discovery will give hope now to all men who were born with disfigured genitals. I myself was born with a penile deformity, which is what drove me to create a cure for this. Maybe now I’ll be able to be intimate with a woman while in the same room with her.”

The scientists used pluripotent stem cells to grow the penises. Those cells were placed into tubing that was shaped into a penis and then implanted under the bark of a living tree, taking the penis about two months to grow to approximately three inches long.

“This miracle will even benefit men who are dissatisfied with their penile length,” Natsuko went on. “A male may have been born with what doctors call micropenis syndrome, where a fully grown adult male has the penis the size of a boy roughly 8 years old.”

This is not the first time scientists have tried growing penises on various objects, Natsuko explained with a smirk.

“Back in 2012 we tried placing the penis stem cells on the backs of tigers. Unfortunately tiger penis soup is a delicacy here and poachers would slaughter the tigers and cut off the penises, which gets big money on the black market here in Japan and China.”

Clinical trials will start as soon as the scientists discover a way to prevent moss from growing on the tree penises.

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