Indian Man Clarifies Face Mask Is For Air Pollution, Not The Waist-Deep Trash And Poop Surrounding Him
MUMBAI, INDIA - Speaking to British reporters atop a mountain of rotting garbage, local resident Rohan Kumar clarified that the tattered, brown-stained medical mask he's worn for the past three…
Congress Reopens Government Just So They Can Take Another Vacation
WASHINGTON-- In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, the U.S. Congress announced today that it has reached a deal to reopen the federal government after a record 41-day shutdown. However,…
Canada Geese Panic They’ll Be Killed Next After One Coughs Outside Canadian Parliament
OTTAWA, CANADA-- Only one day after hundreds of ostriches were culled by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, a peaceful flock of Canada geese gathered outside Parliament Hill was thrown into…
Kash Patel Hires Experienced FBI Phone Scammers As Real Agents
WASHINGTON-- In a historic move to "diversify" the Bureau's skillset, FBI Director Kash Patel announced the hiring of 10,000 Indian nationals who previously worked as call center scammers impersonating FBI…
Ex-Con Believes His Extensive Criminal History Will Make Him An Excellent Addition To Congress
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- Only days after Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress, local resident and former convict, Jimmy "Sticky Fingers" Jenkins, has announced his candidacy for the U.S. Congress.…
Nancy Pelosi Announces Retirement From Criminal Career
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- From inside of a local bar near her home, 85-year-old California Democrat Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from politics on Tuesday, marking the end of a 38-year…
Canada Rolls Out ‘Immigrant Poop Stations’ Nationwide To Combat Outdoor Defecation Epidemic
OTTAWA, CANADA - In an effort to tackle the country's escalating public defecation crisis, the Canadian government has installed thousands of "Immigrant Waste Stations" across major cities, aiming to encourage…
New Muslim Mayor Zohran Mamdani Invites Gay Supporters To Rooftop Celebration
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- To show his appreciation for helping him get elected, newly elected Islamic NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani has extended a "heartfelt" invitation to his LGBTQ+ supporters…
Republicans Jubilant Over Democrat Sweep, Vow To Use Same Strategy To Lose Midterms
WASHINGTON-- Jubilant Republicans filled the halls of Congress this morning, popping sparkling champagne and shouting “Mission Accomplished!” after Democrats trounced them in yesterday's elections across New Jersey, Virginia, New York,…
Andrew Cuomo Vows To Personally Grope Every Woman In NYC Within First 100 Days As Mayor
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK-- In a last ditch effort to win the election, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo made a stunning campaign promise by pledging to personally grope…
U-Haul Sees Record Profits As Democrat Voters Flee Problems They Intend To Recreate Elsewhere
U.S.-- American rental company U-Haul announced record profits this quarter, citing an unprecedented surge in one-way rentals from Democrat-controlled states to their Republican counterparts, with industry insiders attributing the boom…
Obama Teaches Zohran Mamdani How To Drone Strike Innocent Civilians
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-- While on the campaign trail stumping for his fellow Democrat, former President Barack Obama has taken New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani under his wing,…
