Goldfish Prices Rise To $1721 Ahead Of Meeting
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-- Goldfish prices came under pressure Monday as the yellow fish's investors became skittish ahead of the US Goldfish meeting that starts tomorrow. Goldfish edged upwards at…
Too Much Exercise Can Make You Healthy, Warns Doctor
NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY-- Researchers at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School warned last week that too much exercise actually makes you healthy. Their 22 year study found that for every hour of…
Dear Diary…Love Justin
April 25, 2016: Dear Diary, Today is the first day of April 25. I hope this new day brings me lots of girls. I like girls. They all tell me…
Dear Diary…Love Hillary
April 19, 2016: Dear Diary, This is the worst day of my life. I heard stupid Trump on Fox News making fun of me again. He's so mean. I don't know…
Senior Citizen Brothel Raided
ARCHAIC, FLORIDA-- More than 12,000 Florida police, tax and customs investigators have raided Florida's biggest senior citizen brothel, arresting 744 people and making this the largest senior brothel raid in what…
Man Kills Burglar Thinking It Was His Daughter
MARSDEN, PENNSYLVANIA-- A man shot and killed a burglar inside his Marsden home on Sunday, thinking that the burglar was his own daughter coming home from a late night out studying, Marsden…
Ben Carson: Nuclear Weapons Stored In Noah’s Ark
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA-- Former presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson claimed today that Noah's Ark was used to store nuclear weapons, not to save animals from a worldwide flood, thereby disproving…
Peeping Tom Caught Watching Paint Dry
SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA-- A Santa Monica man was arrested today by the long arm of the law after he was caught spying into the home of paint while she was…
Obese Women Have Higher Chance Of Being Fat, Study Says
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In what researchers are calling a major breakthrough in the field of obesity studies, a new report published Friday by the Foundation for the Advancement of The…
Mirror Refuses To Show Rosie O’Donnell’s Reflection
BUFFALO, NEW YORK-- Earlier today, a local fried chicken restaurant mirror refused to show talented D-list actress Rosie O'Donnell's reflection, causing the irate actress to make a scene by pounding her…
USPS And UPS Merge Into One Company
WASHINGTON- The United States Postal Service has recently acquired the world's largest packing delivery company UPS in the biggest merger since someone placed jelly onto their peanut butter sandwich. The…
Rubber Band Puts Out New Album
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA-- Coming off a three year hiatus from pursuing solo projects, pliable progressive rock band trio Rubber Band released a new album titled Hold On To Me, delivering 12 blistering rock…
