Too Much Exercise Can Make You Healthy, Warns Doctor

NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY– Researchers at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School warned last week that too much exercise actually makes you healthy. Their 22 year study found that for every hour of increased physical activity per week, a person’s health is at a much greater risk of becoming healthy.

The head of the department at Robert Wood Johnson, 55 year old Dr. Johns Hopkins, stated emphatically that these new findings are a clear warning to anyone foolish enough to keep up with any type of physical activity. Combining exercise with a nutritious diet, Dr. Hopkins warns, is a recipe for disaster and increases a person’s risk of becoming healthy even more. Hopkins warns that the combination of exercise and a nutritious diet can increase the risk of becoming healthy by a staggering 183%.

“We’re not quite certain why this is,” Dr. Hopkins said as he smoked three cigarettes. “We haven’t quite figured out yet how the increase in exercise does all this, but we’re working on it.

“The nutritious diet is another mystery,” he added. “But apparently there’s some kind of undiscovered micronutrients or something called vitamins that causes this to occur. It’s hard to locate those little things without looking into a microscope.”

The lengthy study done by RWJMS followed 1,000 young fitness and yoga instructors who were already afflicted with the disease and the control group consisted of another 1,000 people from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania who lived on Philly cheese steaks, beer and sat around watching reality shows. After inundating the control group with a nutritious diet, rigorous cardiovascular exercise and limiting their television viewing, they too inevitably suffered from the same debilitating healthy body syndrome.

However, other scientists were skeptical of these outlandish claims made by Hopkins and his team at RWJMS because the test subjects utilized by RWJMS were young, virile fitness enthusiasts with prior and present histories of this deadly healthy affliction.

“The findings by Hopkins were flawed from the start,” said Dr. Robert Wood Johnson, professor at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. “If I took a banana peel and threw it on the floor under your feet, you too would eventually fall down.”