ARCHAIC, FLORIDA– More than 12,000 Florida police, tax and customs investigators have raided Florida’s biggest senior citizen brothel, arresting 744 people and making this the largest senior brothel raid in what authorities are calling Operation: Depends.
Authorities detained the three owners of the nude sponge-bath assisted living home the Wrinkles House and also its eight “madames” in the raid, all who were over the ages of 80. They also came across 420 senior sex workers ranging from ages 78 to 101 and also nabbed 313 clients who were in the middle of services, said police and prosecutors.
Even though prostitution is illegal in the state of Florida, seniors in the Sunshine state say that once you get to a certain age, most rules get thrown out the window.
“Everyone knows and accepts that us seniors commit crimes,” said an unidentified 92 year old sex worker who escaped the raid by playing dead. “We all steal from stores, run people off of roads while driving, smash our vehicles through buildings and sell our bodies for quick cash. We just have to make sure that when we get caught we claim that we’re old and don’t know what we’re doing. That’s the mistake the Wrinkles House made.”
Everyone detained in the raid has been accused of tax fraud, being that the government is not actually concerned with senior citizens selling their bodies for sex, but rather that they’re not giving Uncle Sam his fair share.
“There’s a little thing called paying your due share,” Prosecutor Max Shapiro said irately. “Everyone else in the US has to pay their taxes, so why shouldn’t they?”
Not so, says Chase Manhunten, attorney for the employees of the Wrinkles House. “My clients are already retired,” Manhunten said, holding up a copy of Florida’s tax codes. “It states right here in black and white that once people hit retirement age and officially retire, what they do with their ‘free time’ is nobody’s business, including the US government.”
Most of the female sex workers were already bedridden, blind, and senile, according to Manhunten.
“How’re the boys in Washington going to come after a little old grandma?” Manhunten asked a crowd of sympathetic news reporters. “How’s the government expect little old ladies to get by on their measly $300 a month social security checks? That’s barely enough to pay for a month’s worth of condoms, sex gel and birth control.”
Police stated that they had confiscated $334,000 in cash, hundreds of dentures and diapers, thousands of prescription drugs and expensive wheelchairs, also including 23 beachfront properties and other rentals in the area.
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