OTTAWA, CANADA– After realizing that his new law requiring men’s restrooms to stock tampons wasn’t strict enough, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took it a step further and completely banned any and all testicles from Canada.
While giving a press interview with his legs tightly crossed, Trudeau sat in front of a group of surgeons dressed in white lab coats to explain exactly what and when the new “Anti-Testicle” Law comes into fruition.
“Starting in 2024, Canada will be a testicle-free zone,” said Trudeau daintily while a mad scientist surgeon behind him readied his scalpel. “In my continued effort to both combat the dangerous effects of climate change as well as eliminate all forms of toxic masculinity, I am hereby banning all testicles from Canada, eh.”
With his legs squeezed together even tighter, Trudeau said that all Canadian men regardless of age or race will be required to lop off their balls no later than by February or else face a $69 million fine and and two life sentences.
“That’s one life sentence for each testicle,” joked Trudeau as the men in the room began sweating profusely. “And just to show that I’m not just your ruler but also one of you I’ve already had my testicles removed and placed inside of a jar on my bathroom sink. That way every morning when I apply my makeup I can be reminded of how I once almost used to be a real man.”
Trudeau went on to say that any male wanting to visit Canada or even pass through just to get to Alaska must also have their testicles removed. The prime minister will be setting up testicle inspection checkpoints to make sure no scrotums cross the border illegally.
Guess Trudeau is already safe.
Trudeau enjoying that a little too much.