DOVER, DELAWARE– News media outlets are declaring Joe Biden a clear winner over the battle of the rallies between him and his rival President Donald Trump, commending the Democratic president on his enormous swarm of flies at a recent campaign stop in Delaware’s second largest trash dump.
The current sitting president brought his A-game up to the podium while surrounded by mountains of foul-smelling debris, delivering a blistering all-encompassing speech that covered everything important from the blonde hair on his legs to his most favorite flavor of ice cream.
“It’s Joe crime, folks, I mean, it’s go time,” Biden said heatedly as he pointed a finger at a swarm of flies buzzing over a used diaper. “We only have 10 years left until this Election Day. It may come down to this here state of China. And I believe in you. I believe in my home state.”
The landfill operator was told by an event organizer that over 200 flies attended Biden’s rally at the trash heap on Saturday, doubling the expected crowd size.
The large amount of flies began converging at the putrid rally site early in the morning to enjoy the free food that had been dumped there the day before by public work’s garbage trucks. A CNN news reporter on the scene said the energy from the buzzing flies was palpable and brought tears to his eyes.
“This is a clear victory for President Joe Biden,” the CNN reporter said shamelessly into the camera. “Former President Donald Trump has to be getting extremely worried by the growing number of flies at Biden’s rallies this close to election.”
As his wife Jill propped him up with both of her tiring arms so he wouldn’t fall asleep, Biden informed the insects that were flying in and out of his gaping mouth that this is the election of their lives and Trump’s mishandling of COVID-19 caused the unnecessary deaths of thousands of flies.
“It’s going to be a dark winter ahead for you smelly little guys if you don’t get out there and use your sucking mouthparts to, you know, do the thing. Me and my Vice President Cameltoe Harley will fight hard for you, and no one knows about sucking mouthparts like she does.”
