VATICAN CITY– Pope Francis made a stunning statement yesterday when he told a crowd of bishops during a papal briefing about gender-neutral restrooms that the everlasting word of God is merely a guideline that’s not really meant to be taken too seriously.
The pope reiterated his brave comments to surprisingly stunned Roman Catholic leaders about how the passages in the Holy Bible are simply a formality that causes too much confusion and error and that a more modern approach to interpreting an old-fashioned, unexciting religious book needs to be supported if Catholics are to fit in with the rest of the world’s progressive, modern, and cooler culture.
“Yo, what’s up, my brothers and sisters,” Pope Francis said to the crowd as he raised his clenched fist in the air in solidarity with Black Lives Matter. “I called this boring meeting just to clear up a little confusion about any Christian and Catholic people who still read the Bible and actually follow what it says in there.”
After throwing his full support behind same-sex unions, the pontiff explained that many other church teachings have to be taken with a grain of salt and can be interpreted in many ways, including the extremely vague, ambiguous 10 Commandments.
“Let’s be honest, I can’t be the only one who thinks ‘thou shall not steal’ is a little confusing,” the pope said, taking $5 out of a collection basket. “That’s why I drafted up my own version of the Bible that should clear up any confusion about all those pesky, puzzling verses, such as ‘thou shall not murder,’ ‘for all have sinned’ or ‘you shall not make idols.’ I mean, c’mon, who here doesn’t love American Idol?”
In addition to making Bibles, prayer, clothes, and even God optional, the pope announced that all churches will now have gender-neutral restrooms to better suit the needs of any Catholics who are transitioning or who identify as non-binary.
