ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA — Defense contractors across the country entered an official period of mourning after the passing of longtime Senator Lindsey Graham, whom executives affectionately remembered as the greatest salesman the military-industrial complex ever had.
Board members and weapons manufacturers reportedly held a somber moment of silence on the trading floor as stock prices for major defense contractors experienced a slight, mournful dip.
“We are absolutely devastated by the loss of Lindsey,” said Lockheed Martin spokesperson Gregory Vance, wiping away a tear while standing outside corporate headquarters as company flags were lowered to half-mast. “To the world, he was a United States Senator. But to us, he was the guy who could look at a minor, localized border dispute six thousand miles away and somehow parlay it into a $40 billion emergency acquisition contract for artillery shells. You just can’t train that kind of raw talent anymore.”
The Pentagon also released a statement honoring Lindsey Graham’s decades of unwavering enthusiasm for finding military solutions before anyone had fully finished describing the problem.
At press time, Raytheon executives were reportedly hosting an emergency midnight séance in a Pentagon bunker, desperately attempting to summon Graham’s spirit back into his body before the upcoming Senate vote on foreign military financing.
