CHICAGO, ILLINOIS– A tense standoff took a bizarre and sudsy turn Friday evening after federal agents were able to successfully disperse a group of Antifa rioters near a Chicago ICE facility using an unconventional tactic of shooting canisters of deodorant and soap at the protesters. The unorthodox move exploited Antifa’s notorious aversion to personal hygiene, sending the rioters fleeing in panic.
Eyewitnesses reported seeing Antifa members, clad in their signature black bloc attire, suddenly drop their Molotov cocktails and scramble for cover as the pungent aroma of Old Spice and Dove wafted through the air. “It was like watching cockroaches scurry for the shadows when you turn on the light,” said one of the ICE agents to news reporters. “I love the smell of Ivory soap in the evening.”
The federal government came up with the idea after observing that Antifa members rarely showered, washed their hair, or used deodorant. “We figured we’d hit them with something they fear even more than tear gas and flash grenades,” Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller later stated.
Video footage shows rioters frantically wiping at their faces and arms, screaming “No! Not soap!” as they stumbled backward. One rioter was seen vomiting into a trash can after accidentally inhaling a cloud of Irish Spring. “I haven’t showered in months,” the man sobbed after his arrest. “Who knows how long it’ll take for me to get my natural smell back.”
The tactic has been hailed as a game-changer, with federal agents nationwide utilizing the “Antifa Repellent System” as a means for effective crowd control. Meanwhile, the idea known as “Antifa” has issued a statement condemning the “chemical warfare” and vowing to “reclaim the streets and fight fascism with our natural musk.”
