OAKHAVEN, OHIO– A local 32-year-old man named John Smith of suburban Ohio has taken to scouring the Anti-Defamation League’s (ADL) Extremist Files, not to avoid their alleged hate groups, but to locate trustworthy groups, potential employers, contractors, and even dates. Smith says that if the ADL labels someone an “extremist” for supporting traditional values, questioning mass immigration, or criticizing Israel, they must be doing something right.
“I figure if the ADL hates them, they’re probably good people,” Smith explained, sipping coffee at his desk as he checked the ADL’s most recent additions. “I mean, they called the America First Committee and Christianity itself ‘hate speech,’ so that’s my kind of hate speech.”
While scrolling through a news feed, he saw an article about a new batch of “extremists” added to the ADL’s extremism list. He clicked out of curiosity and found a logo for a regional hardware chain, ‘Patriot Tools & Supply,’ with the ADL labeling the business as a “far-right, white nationalist company” for having more than one American flag on their building.
Smith’s method has led him to some unexpected allies, such as discovering a local plumber Joe, who was flagged by ADL for having a “Christ is King” bumper sticker on his truck. “Best damn plumber I’ve ever had,” Smith raved. “And I found out we actually go to the same church, but to different services.”
The ADL has released a statement on Smith’s unorthodox vetting process, calling him a “racist,” and an “antisemite,” but Smith remains undeterred. “If being pro-white, pro-Christian, pro-America, and pro-gun makes me an extremist, then sign me up. At least I’ll have good company.”
In related news, local businesses are now competing to get listed on the ADL’s Extremist Files, with some even offering “ADL-Approved Hate Group” discounts to customers who flash their membership cards. As one entrepreneur quipped, “If the ADL hates us, we must be doing something right.”
