LONDON, UK– In an effort to ease the minds of worried British citizens, Prime Minister Keir Starmer reassured the nation that the new digital ID system is “entirely optional” unless you plan to engage in any human activity whatsoever. The digital IDs, which will track every citizen’s movements, purchases, and even bowel movements, are being framed as a “convenience” rather than a requirement.
“Let me be perfectly clear,” said PM Starmer in front of 10 Downing Street, wearing his favorite hijab for the momentous occasion. “I want all UK citizens to relax, because no one will be forced to have a digital ID. You will only need one if you intend to travel, work, get paid, access healthcare, open a bank account, buy food, shop online, use transport, enter public buildings, order a pint, use the toilet, or breathe in and out while still legally recognized as alive.”
When asked about reports that banks, hospitals, and supermarkets are already refusing service to those without digital IDs, Starmer waved his hand dismissively. “Wait, that wasn’t one of the government-approved questions you were allowed to ask.”
Citizens who opt out will be allowed to live in designated “ID-Free Zones” located in remote areas of the UK prison system. “It’s like a national park, but with no freedom or ability to do anything,” promised a government Labour official.
The opposition has criticized the move as “Orwellian,” but Starmer remains confident. “We’re not forcing anyone to do anything. We’re just making it impossible to function in society without one. That’s not the same thing at all.”
Editor’s Note: The UK government has asked us to clarify that this article can still be read without a digital ID—though only as long as you’re not reading it on a phone, computer, tablet, e-reader, or with your eyes.
