LONDON, UK – Under the guise of tackling illegal immigration, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced the rollout of mandatory digital ID cards to “revolutionize how we manage identity in Britain by exclusively targeting native white British citizens.” Starmer reassured the public that “diverse communities” will be exempt from the scheme, citing concerns about racial profiling.
During a recent press conference, PM Keir Starmer announced that the new digital IDs will reportedly be mandatory for all white British citizens, who Starmer described as “the ‘beige blight’ and the real threat to our diverse, vibrant future.”
“We must ensure our precious immigrants feel safe and unencumbered by such draconian surveillance,” Keir Starmer said, flanked by Labour MPs donning “Allahu Akbar” badges. “After all, who needs to track the 500,000 unvetted Pakistanis we airlifted in? They’re clearly not the problem.”
When questioned about the glaring double standard, Starmer smirked, admitting, “White Brits are statistically more likely to be nationalists, Christians, and heterosexuals, so it’s only fair we keep an eye on them. Besides, if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear-unless you’re a white man, in which case, we’ll assume you’re hiding something.”
The digital IDs will monitor every aspect of white citizens’ lives, including social media activity, bank transactions, and even church attendance. “We need to know if you’re attending an Islamic mosque or secretly attending a Christian church,” Starmer explained.
Labour’s Deputy Prime Minister David Lammy agreed with the need to track the activities of native white Britons. “This is a necessary step to dismantle the last vestiges of white privilege. Soon, we’ll have a Britain where only white people are tracked, taxed, and arrested for thought crimes.”
Starmer promised that the new digital IDs would include features like real-time location tracking, mandatory weekly “diversity training” reminders, notifications when it’s time to pray to Allah, and a built-in algorithm that flags anyone who searches for “traditional British values” on Google.
