WASHINGTON– Only hours after a federal grand jury indicted him on multiple charges, former FBI Director James Comey has concluded a thorough investigation into his own alleged felonies, finding himself completely innocent of all charges. The 30-second probe, which Comey conducted alone in his basement, determined that his actions leading to the $32 million Trump-Russia collusion hoax were “patriotic” and “necessary to save democracy.”
James Comey, who was indicted by a federal grand jury for giving false statements and obstruction of justice, took it upon himself to clear his name after realizing that “no one else could possibly understand my genius-level integrity.” Armed with a flashlight, a mirror, and a copy of his memoir, Comey grilled himself with tough questions like “Did you do it?” and “Are you awesome?” before rendering a verdict of “Not guilty-actually, I’m a national hero for standing up to the orange Nazi Trump.”
Critics have called the investigation “a joke” and “an insult to the justice system,” but Comey remains undeterred. “I’ve always said I’m a man of principle,” he said later on MSNBC, where he awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom. “And my principles clearly state that I can do whatever I want and face no consequences.”
The Department of Justice has announced it will contest Comey’s findings, with Attorney General Pam Bondi stating, “the Comey files are sitting somewhere on my desk right now.” Meanwhile, Comey has begun writing a new book titled The Comey Method: How to Investigate Yourself and Win Every Time, which is expected to become a bestseller among federal bureaucrats and dictators.
In related news, Comey has also declared himself the winner of the 2028 presidential election and has begun measuring the Oval Office for new curtains.
