WASHINGTON– Congressional Republicans celebrated what they called a “historic moment of unity” Friday after reaching a bipartisan compromise in which Democrats received every single policy outcome they requested, while Republicans agreed to postpone their own agenda indefinitely out of respect for decorum.
With President Donald Trump currently in the White House and Republicans holding majorities in both the House and Senate, GOP leadership stressed that now was not the time to do anything rash, such as passing legislation Republicans campaigned on.
“We believe strongly in conservative principles,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, standing in front of a whiteboard labeled Things We’ll Definitely Get To Later. “Which is why we’ve decided the most responsible course of action is to slow-walk, water down, or quietly sabotage the president’s agenda while assuring voters we’re totally on their side spiritually.”
House Speaker Mike Johnson echoed the sentiment, explaining that while Republicans technically have the votes to codify Trump’s executive orders, secure the border, slash spending, and dismantle Biden-era policies, doing so might upset Democrats, legacy media outlets, and several unnamed think tanks that appear on cable news nightly.
“Our voters elected us to lead,” Johnson said. “But leadership sometimes means knowing when to step aside and let Democrats write the bills. That’s what real governing looks like. But believe me, we fought hard against the left. I mean, we pushed back at least twice during closed-door meetings before ultimately agreeing to everything Democrats proposed. Now that’s compromise.”
Meanwhile, Republicans assured conservative voters that help is on the way, just not right now, but perhaps they’ll consider taking a firm stand against the Democrats sometime in the next administration when they are in the minority and powerless.
At press time, GOP leadership announced plans to hold a press conference condemning conservatives for “extremism” after several voters reportedly asked why Republicans weren’t using their majority to do Republican things.
