DALLAS. TEXAS– Only hours after the incident occurred, authorities have confirmed that the gunman responsible for the recent shooting at a Dallas ICE facility was none other than TK-421, a seasoned Stormtrooper from the Galactic Empire. The blaster-wielding assailant, clad in iconic white armor, reportedly missed every single one of his intended targets due to his infamously terrible aim.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “chaotic” as the Stormtrooper randomly opened fire on the facility, missing every ICE agent in sight while inadvertently hitting three detained illegal immigrants.
“I almost could’ve believe what a bad shot that guy was,” said Dallas Police Chief Bob Gomez. “I mean, I could’ve done a better job with my eyes closed. That stormtrooper couldn’t hit the broad side of a Star Destroyer.”
Meanwhile, the stormtrooper remains in custody being that he had tried to commit suicide but missed hitting himself and struck a random bystander in the area instead.
The Stormtrooper’s motives remain unclear, but sources close to the investigation suggest he was “just following orders.”. When questioned about his actions, TK-421 allegedly shrugged and muttered something about, “Rebel scum.”
This incident marks the first time a Stormtrooper has been involved in a mass shooting on Earth. The Galactic Empire has since issued a statement apologizing for the “unfortunate collateral damage” and promising to provide additional marksmanship training to its troops.
