WASHINGTON — Wiping away tears as he shredded a romantic, hand-drawn map of Tehran’s critical oil infrastructure, a deeply betrayed Lindsey Graham accused Donald Trump of throwing away everything they built together after reports emerged that Trump may be open to pursuing a peace deal with Iran instead of immediately escalating toward war.
According to sources close to the senator, Lindsey Graham became suspicious after Trump began using phrases such as “negotiation,” “regional peace,” and “maybe we should slow down a little,” prompting the South Carolina lawmaker to fear the two were growing apart strategically.
“We had plans, Donald—beautiful, explosive plans,” Graham told reporters, smudging his mascara as tears ran down his trembling face. “And now suddenly he’s taking late-night phone calls from diplomats? He’s talking about ceasefires? About avoiding conflict? I don’t even recognize the man anymore.”
After checking Trump’s Truth Social feed, Graham found a series of gushing, late-night posts praising a “historic framework for de-escalation”—a direct violation of the strict, monogamous regime of saturation bombing the two had promised each other during the campaign trail.
At press time, a heartbroken Graham was seen standing in his garage, sadly packing away a framed photo of the two men looking at drone strike footage, before joining a Bumble-style dating app in a desperate attempt to find a rogue general who will treat him right.
