OTTAWA, CANADA– Canada has officially banned bananas after a man slip and fell on a banana peel, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau declared Saturday.
The move comes after the negligent man was taken to a local hospital and treated for bruises on his buttocks that stemmed from the slip and fall. Trudeau claims the ban was necessary due to a rise in Canadians slipping on banana peels.
“These bananas were designed for one purpose and one purpose only, eh,” Trudeau started to say during a press briefing, holding up a ripened banana, “for people to eat and to fill as many people’s stomachs in the shortest amount of time, not to hurt innocent civilians.
“I’m asking all of Canada’s citizens to keep their eyes peeled and report anyone they see owning a banana.”
Trudeau’s Somersault Banana Ban is effective immediately and includes 1,000 different varieties of the edible and non-edible fruit, which also covers plantains.
“It is no longer permitted to buy, sell, transport, import, or use food-grade bananas in this country, eh,” he added as banana manufacturers across the country have been shutting down over the last two days.
Many banana rights activists protested the Ottawa news conference, saying that every Canadian should have the right to own and use bananas.
An unidentified protester told CTV News reporters that Trudeau’s draconian ban will only force Canadian citizens to purchase bananas off the black market. They said they are currently appealing Trudeau’s decision.
Due to the recent banana mishaps, Trudeau said he will be looking into possibly banning other dangerous fruits, such as oranges and grapefruits because of an influx of Canadians getting squirted in the eye with acidic pulp juice.
