OTTAWA, CANADA — With Alberta voters heading to the polls to decide whether to begin the process of separating from Canada, Prime Minister Mark Carney reportedly placed an urgent, late-night phone call to California Governor Gavin Newsom to request expert advice on how to properly rig the province’s election.
According to sources familiar with the call, Carney expressed concern that Albertans might actually vote according to their own preferences, potentially producing a result that could threaten the country’s national unity and deprive the federal government of billions of dollars in revenue.
“Look, Gavin, I need your help,” a panicked Mark Carney reportedly told Newsom. “We’ve spent years explaining to Albertans why they should be happy with federal policies, and they’re still threatening to leave. Is there some way we can make sure they vote correctly without making it look like we’re making sure they vote correctly?”
Sources said Newsom advised Carney to preach election integrity while avoiding paper ballots with physical ID, schedule a convenient 3:00 AM ballot drop, and pause counting when a pipe supposedly burst in the arena, all while assuring voters every ballot would be counted.
At press time, Carney was reportedly asking Newsom whether California had any spare voters who could be temporarily relocated to Alberta, while Newsom was assuring him that the most important thing was to respect the democratic process and never allow the democratic process to get in the way of a good outcome.
