CORUSCANT, GALACTIC EMPIRE– In order to ensure the unwavering loyalty of all sentient beings, Emperor Palpatine has ordered Luke Skywalker to perform a humiliating act of fealty by touching and kissing the surface of the Death Star, the Empire’s technological terror of the galaxy. The demand comes after Skywalker’s recent defiance, including destroying the battle station’s predecessor and refusing to join the dark side.
According to sources within Imperial High Command, Emperor Palpatine summoned Skywalker to the throne room of the new Death Star II, where he was met by a delegation of stormtroopers and Imperial priests. The Emperor, wearing his signature black robes, pointed a trembling finger at the young Jedi before threatening him with blackmail.
“I have a deal for you, young Skywalker,” Palpatine commanded, rubbing his hands together. “In exchange for money and power, you will place your hands upon the surface of the Death Star, and you will press your lips against it and kiss the wall. This is the price of your loyalty to the Empire and also as atonement for posting anti-Sith statements on X.”
The bizarre ritual, which has been dubbed “Death Star Davening” by Imperial insiders, is seen as Palpatine’s attempt to assert dominance and control and to further his evil agenda. The ritual is a way for someone to show their undying allegiance to the Empire, and in Skywalker’s case, at the expense of the Rebel Alliance.
“It’s a classic move from the Sith playbook,” said Grand Moff Tarkin, who was present during the exchange. “Once you’ve kissed the Death Star, you’re committed, or else. It’s not wise to go against the Empire or you just might end up having a permanent accident.”
As Skywalker prepares for his humiliating pilgrimage, rumors are circulating that other high-ranking officials have been ordered to perform similar acts of obeisance.
