MOSCOW, RUSSIA– In order to refresh his memory, President Vladimir Putin has been posting sticky notes all over his home refrigerator to remind him to invade Ukraine because for some reason he keeps forgetting that war is one of the most important things on his to-do list.
“My brain is not as sharp as it used to be,” said Putin jokingly to Russian news reporters as he showed them around his home. “Invading and taking over Ukraine is on the top of my bucket list and one of these days I’ll definitely get around to doing it, which is why I keep putting Post-its on my fridge every morning so I don’t forget.”
The Russian president assured everyone that one day very, very soon he’ll get around to attacking another country and killing thousands of people, but by the time he gets to work in the morning it slips his mind.
While a film crew followed him into his kitchen, Putin said, “As you can see from all these notes, attacking Ukraine is very high up on my list of importance, even higher than taking out the trash or washing the dishes.”
Even though Joe Biden’s brain has already turned into mush and he’s forgotten how to breathe, the only thing the US president can remember now is that Russia is going to attack Ukraine any minute, perhaps even any second.
“Listen, folks, here’s the deal,” said Biden while his handlers whispered to talk about Ukraine. “Don’t let that Russian President Viktor Pewterschmidt guy fool you into thinking he’s not attacking that Ukulele country. I just received word from CNN that if I can stop Germany from invading Poland then my poll numbers will go up once we defeat the Nazis.”
UPDATE: After this article was written, it was reported that Putin forgot once again to attack Ukraine and says he plans on getting the words “Attack Ukraine” tattooed on his forehead to help him remember.
