WASHINGTON– In a dramatic pre-dawn raid that left local residents traumatized, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) announced the arrest of a local man for allegedly plotting to attack federal agents using an arsenal of Subway sandwiches, seizing dozens of deadly assault subs.
The raid, dubbed “Operation Footlong,” unfolded after the FBI received an anonymous tip that 33-year-old Stan Brioche was planning a dastardly attack on federal agents in protest of President Donald Trump’s tough crackdown on illegal immigration, with the self-described “Democratic socialist, pro-illegal immigrant, progressive sandwich enthusiast” being charged with multiple felonies.
“Today, our brave agents arrested Stan “Subway Stan” Brioche for conspiracy to assault federal agents with a deadly sandwich,” said FBI Special Agent Hung Overton, holding up a confiscated ham and Swiss cheese sandwich as evidence. “FBI agents confiscated over two dozen sandwiches, ranging from ham and cheese to Italian with mayo. We also discovered a blueprint the suspect had created on the best ways to have the sandwiches splatter on impact.”
The special agent cleared his throat worriedly and then added, “And many of the sandwiches agents confiscated from the suspect’s home were already stale, making the hardened rolls even more of a dangerous weapon.”
The incident draws comparisons to the recent incident where a DC man was arrested for throwing a Subway sandwich at a federal agent, with the FBI warning the public of possible future copycat crimes occurring, especially in Democrat-majority cities.
“Subway Stan” is facing a slew of charges, including conspiracy to assault federal agents, domestic terrorism, seditious conspiracy, rape, murder, pedophilia, and for wasting perfectly edible sandwiches that could have gone to starving children in Africa.
