SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– Driven by a deep-seated desire to infuriate President Donald Trump, Governor Gavin Newsom officially designated California as the nation’s first sanctuary state for crime, a policy extended to include any form of criminal activity.
While giving a press conference in front of a massive fiery riot, a defiant Gov. Gavin Newsom made the bold new decree that law enforcement agencies across The Golden State are going to be fazed out being that everything in California will now be legal.
“Starting today, every criminal in the country can now find safe shelter here in California,” said Gavin Newsom as he ducked a few stray bullets. “In response to President Trump’s tough on crime stance and recent authoritarian federal takeover of DC, I am hereby declaring California a sanctuary state for crime, which means that anything, and I mean, anything goes. This will definitely hurt Trump more than Californians.”
Supporters of Newsom are hailing the action to decriminalize all crime as “audaciously progressive,” praising the governor’s decision to cut his nose off to spite his face in order to simply do the complete opposite of anything Trump does.
The governor boasted that all of the money saved on defunding police departments will be used to pay for a nationwide ad campaign targeted at criminals who are in search of a place where they can rape, steal, and murder anyone they want with impunity.
